Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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