are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
