So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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