i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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