Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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