i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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