I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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