The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
