The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
