Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
