how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
