if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
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Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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