i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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