Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
