When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
