I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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