I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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