Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
