Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
