Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
