it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize