2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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