shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
