Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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