I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
