Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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