I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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