i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Watching her eat just hurts me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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