Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
