I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
