someone get that fucking seahorse.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
