If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
