dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i out mim tonsoeep
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