Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
