sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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