you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
