I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
