that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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