Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
