Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
