I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
