My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
