so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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