If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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