Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
