Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
