i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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