I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
