Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
