When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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