it was like eating out sand paper
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
