Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
