I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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