So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
