booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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