fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
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i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
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I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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