from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
