May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
