had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
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Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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