I haven't been this sober since birth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
