That's intense
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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