I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
