So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
