last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
